When someone says, "Your speech was great," do you say, "No, not at all"? Many people do this. One reason is that people want others to see them the way they see themselves.

So if you think badly of yourself, a compliment can feel strange. Also, studies show that people who give compliments think others will not be very happy. But in fact, the receivers are happier than expected. So just say, "Thank you!"

Many people automatically reply "No, not really" when they are praised. In Japan, modesty may make this even more common. Psychologist William Swann offered one explanation called self-verification theory. According to this idea, people want others to see them the way they see themselves, because it makes the world feel predictable. In a 1992 study, many people with negative self-views chose partners who also saw them negatively, saying those people "really understood" them.

A 2009 Canadian study found that repeating "I am a lovable person" improved the mood of people with high self-esteem, but made people with low self-esteem feel worse. There is also good news. Research from 2021 found that people who give compliments underestimate how happy the receiver will feel and overestimate how awkward it will be.

"Oh, it was nothing." Brushing off praise is one of the most common social reflexes. Cultural norms of modesty play a part, but psychology offers a deeper account. According to William Swann's self-verification theory, people want more than approval. They also want confirmation of who they believe they are, because consistent feedback makes the social world feel predictable.

In a 1992 study, many participants with negative self-views chose to interact with partners who evaluated them unfavorably, explaining that such partners seemed to understand them. For someone with a low self-image, a compliment may bring pleasure and a sense of mismatch at the same time.

A 2009 Canadian experiment points the same way. Repeating "I am a lovable person" slightly lifted the mood of participants with high self-esteem but lowered the mood of those with low self-esteem, perhaps because the statement provoked silent counterarguments. That study was small, so it is best read as a hint.

Givers of praise have their own blind spots. Research published in 2021 showed that people who give compliments underestimate how good recipients will feel and overestimate how awkward the exchange will be. That miscalculation may be enough to keep a kind word unsaid.