What is the best way to say sorry? Researchers in the United States studied this question. They divided apologies into six parts. People read different apologies and said which ones worked best.

The winner was saying, "It was my fault." The second best was offering to fix the problem. Asking "Please forgive me" worked the least. So when you say sorry, take responsibility clearly and try to make things right.

Saying "I'm sorry" is not always enough. In 2016, Roy Lewicki and his colleagues at Ohio State University broke apologies into six parts. They were expressing regret, explaining what went wrong, acknowledging responsibility, promising not to do it again, offering to repair the damage, and asking for forgiveness. In two experiments with about 750 people in total, participants read apologies containing different parts and rated how effective they seemed.

Acknowledging responsibility was judged the most effective, followed by offering to repair. Asking for forgiveness was rated the least effective. The team also found that apologies with more of the six parts tended to seem more effective. One reason "please forgive me" may fail is that it puts pressure on the person who was hurt.

Most of us assume that the heart of an apology is the word "sorry," but research suggests otherwise. In a 2016 study, Roy Lewicki and colleagues divided apologies into six components: an expression of regret, an explanation, an acknowledgment of responsibility, a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair, and a request for forgiveness. Across two scenario experiments involving roughly 750 participants, people rated how effective various apologies appeared.

Acknowledging responsibility emerged as the most powerful element, with an offer of repair in second place, while a request for forgiveness had the weakest effect. Apologies containing more components were also judged more favorably. A request for forgiveness may backfire because it shifts attention from the victim to the offender and implicitly pressures the victim to decide. These findings, however, come from participants evaluating written scenarios, not from real conflicts in which relationships were actually repaired.

The same study also found that apologies following an integrity violation were rated as less effective than those following a competence violation. Separately, a 2013 study found that refusing to apologize can boost self-esteem, which may explain why apologizing feels so difficult.